My new mantra: depression is a real time suck

If you wanna know how I am feeling lately, I think Ani Difranco sums it up pretty well in her song “Swan Dive”… Coleen and I are trying our best here in LA and we are met with a lot of adversity. Especially in this past week.  But no matter what, we are glad we took the plunge and did this for ourselves and we wanna thank everyone that has encouraged us and listened to us cry.  Especially our families.  We are still trying our best.  My ultimate goal is to do well in life so I can take care of myself, Coleen, and our pets and be able to do nice things for my parents.  I owe them so much.  Although LA is tough, I think ultimately I could make something of myself here.  We just need to swim these rough waters until we get past the breakers.

 

cradling the softest, warmest part of you in my hand
feels like a little baby bird fallen from the nest
i think that your body is something i understand
i think that i’m happy, i think that i’m blessed

i’ve got a lack of inhibition
i’ve got a loss of perspective
i’ve had a little bit to drink
and it’s making me think
that i can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there’s got to be more
than this boat i’m in

‘cuz they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me, moving at the speed of sound
i’m just going to get my feet wet
until i drown

and i teeter between tired
and really, really tired
im wiped and im wired but i guess its just as well
because i built my own empire
out of car tires and chicken wire
and i’m queen of my own compost heap
and i’m getting used to the smell

and i’ve got a lack of information
but i got a little revelation
and i’m climbing up on the railing
trying not to look down
i’m going to do my best swan dive
in the shark-infested waters
i’m gonna pull out my tampon
and start splashing around

‘cuz i don’t care if they eat me alive
i’ve got better thing to do than survive
i’ve got a memory of your warm skin in my hand
and i’ve got a vision of blue sky and dry land

i’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hand
the ship is pitching and heaving, my limbs are bobbing and weaving
and i think this is what i understand
i just need a little vaccination for my far-away vacation
i’m going to go ahead boldly because a little bird told me
that jumping is easy, that falling is fun
up until you hit the sidewalk, shivering, stunned

and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i’m just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown…

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